Hurt because of you
by little yellow umbrella
Summary: An Obi-wan and Qui-gon story. Qui-gon is shocked when he finds a text his padawan had been writing
1. I just feel like writing

Disclaimer: I don't own Qui-gon (shoot!!!), Obi-wan (damn!!!), Mace (rats?) or Yoda (???) ,   
they belong to the big guy, George Lucas.  
  


side note: After rereading this story, I discovered that there where loads of grammar (and other) faults in it.  
I corrected some of those (my original plan was to crawl in a hole and die), but I'm sure that there are still much of  
those meanies hiding in it. Don't let it bother you...  
So what you're going to read now, is the improved (?) version of my story.(*tada*)  
  


As he walked in his quarters, Qui-gon let out a long sigh. Tonight had been a long night. He had meeting with the council  
about his latest solo mission, and it had been a very long meeting. While stifling a yawn he walked in the kitchen to fetch  
himself some tea. He was very tired since he was already up from 4.00 am to catch his transport, and on the ride itself he   
was to busy reading some data about what could be the next mission for him and his padwan to sleep. Ah yes, there was the   
topic that had been whirling in his mind all the afternoon and night. He thought that the 14-year-old boy was acting quieter  
and stranger then normal. He knew he had been a little short with the boy when he saw him, especially since he had been   
away for two weeks. But he was obligated to go to the meeting, and he wanted to go say hi to Mace before the meeting.   
But still...maybe he should have said more then: "Good afternoon Obi-wan, I have to go to a meeting about my mission,   
but first I'm going to stop by at Mace's." Maybe he should have given him a hug, but he still held back his feelings   
and affections since Xanthos, but Obi-wan knew he loved him, didn't he? Yes, of course he knew. Qui-gon knew he was rather  
hard on Obi-wan, but he didn't want to make the same fault as with Xanthos. But maybe he had been to hard on him with his  
last comment :"And I've also heard from master Kesard that several masters have complained that you haven't paid much   
attention in your classes lately . I would like you to study when I'm gone, and you can also meditate on your lack of   
attention during the lessons. I maybe gone for a while, so go to bed at the normal time. I'm warning you Obi-wan,   
don't try anything, goodnight." But what he said was right, while he was on the way to their quarters he came across   
master Kesard, who said all masters found that Obi-wan was not paying enough attention during their lessons. Yes, he should  
have punished him, he couldn't tolerate lack of attention, or he would be to soft on him. If Qui-gon had only looked in the   
eyes of his padawan before he left, he would have seen the hurt.  
  


As soon as Qui-gon had left Obi-wan felt the tears that were threatening to fall, but he briskly wiped them away before  
they could. Was that all he had to say to him after being away for two weeks, "I'm going to Mace's, don't try anything,   
you haven't been paying enough attention, meditate." Why the hell did he think he hadn't been paying attention, did he even   
think about that? What Obi-wan needed from his master was comfort but all he got was a punishment. He felt out of place,   
like he was a lost puppy, annoying Qui-gon by trailing after him. Maybe his master never really cared for him.   
In the beginning Obi-wan thought that maybe Qui-gon needed time to trust him again and to open up to him.   
But he couldn't keep this up anymore, he worked so hard to try and make his master proud, but Qui-gon just had an eye for  
what he did wrong. Obi-wan needed a comforting word sometimes, or just a hug. He wasn't a freaking robot that didn't need   
affection and only needs commands. Against his will Obi-wan started studying, he didn't want to make his master anymore   
disappointed. After about ten minutes he closed his book and let out a frustrated sigh. He just couldn't concentrate,   
who was bloody interested in the history of trading on Couruscant. He just couldn't forget the disappointed look his master  
had thrown him when told him about the comment of master Kesard. He hated that look, he knew jedi weren't supposed to hate   
but he really did hate it. He had seen that look too much. Obi-wan felt himself get frustrated and knew he needed to   
something before he got raged. He then did something he didn't do very often, he took the notebook he got from Bant for   
his birthday and started to write. The notebook was covered in light brown leather, with his name on it in silver.  
He didn't know how long he sat there, and didn't care. He penned the words down with his heart and soul.   
He writed all the emotions he had been penting up inside on the sheet of paper. Tears slided down his cheek,  
but he let them be this time. When he was done he reread the text, and was on the  
verge of breaking down. He felt abandoned, alone. He needed to get out, he didn't care if Qui-gon would be mad, he didn't  
care if he got punished, he just needed to get out.  
  


After talking with Mace for a long time, he arrived at his quarters about one hour later the he intended to.  
While sipping some fresh, warm tea, Qui-gon noticed something strange, he didn't sense Obi-wan along the (he had to admit) rather  
thin bond they shared . Slightly worried Qui-gon walked up to his padwans room. He softly opened the door only to be  
confronted with an empty bed. He looked around the room and noticed an open book on Obi-wan's desk. As he walked closer to it  
he saw that it was some kind of a poem. After a moment of doubt,   
he picked up the book. Obi-wan had been crying while he was writing, Qui-gon saw the tearstains on the sheet of paper.  
He sat down on Obi-wan's bed as he started to read his padwan's handwriting.  
  


_I hope you know I'm hurt, `cause I'm hurt because of you.  
Show me some affection, that's what I'm longing for you to do.   
Wipe away my tears, and replace them with a smile.   
But don't give me that glace, the one with disappointment in your eyes.  
  
_

_Can't you see I'm hurt, hurt because of you.  
Hoping you will accept me, which is all you have to do.  
Acknowledge my presence, and clear this fog of doubt.   
I'm caught in a maze of hurt and confusion, hoping one day you will get me out.  
  
_

_Laugh my doubts away,  
wipe away my tears.  
Fill the whole in my heart,  
that's been there for years.  
`Cause I don't know how long I can keep this up,  
don't know if my walls can bear,  
this loneliness and hurt, I wish it would just stop.  
It's too much for my shoulders to wear.  
  
_

_Look at me, I'm hurt, hurt because of you.   
I feel like I'm fading away, and I know I'm not strong enough to pull trough.  
My wall is crumbling, and I let tears slide,  
hoping you would be here to catch them, standing by my side.  
On the inside I'm hurt, hurt because of you.   
Hiding behind my emotionless exterior, slowly losing faith in you.  
  
_


	2. The poem of a broken master

The floor was hard and cold, but Qui-gon was to perplex to notice. He didn't know nor cared how long he had been sitting  
there. Thousand of questions were whirling around in his mind, but the one that was standing out above the rest was  
'How did I not notice this?' The question itself remained unanswered. Qui-gon slowly closed his eyes,  
hoping he would just vanish into thin air. He felt ashamed, how could he have been so blind?  
While opening his eyes again, he picked the notebook up from the floor and started to reread the text.   
Tears rolled down his cheeks, first slow, but then faster and faster. A sob that struggled to get out was quickly suppressed.  
Qui-gon tried to pull himself together, but lost the battle when he read *losing faith in you*. The sob that had been  
lurking deep inside his throat made his escape. It was a heart wrenching sound. The sound of deep guilt, sorrow and pain.   
He fighted against the tears wanted to make their way out, he lost. The great Qui-gon, jedi master, diplomat,  
the big guy with the stoïc face was sitting there on the floor with his head against the wall, crying his heart out.  
  


He had been walking around in the temple for what seemed like hours now. Without a goal or destination,  
just wandering trough the endless halls. Tough his body was in the hall, his mind wasn't, his mind was with his master.  
How would he react if he didn't find Obi-wan in their quarters, would he even care? Obi-wan was so lost in his thoughts,  
that when he realised someone was coming closer, it was already to late to avoid the person.  
Wait, he recognised the force signature of this person, it was master Yoda. Sith, just what he needed,  
the green little troll was probably going to lecture him about how a jedi needed his rest and should go to sleep  
at a reasonable hour. Oh no, what was he going to tell him if Yoda asked him why he was wandering trough the hall that late  
with tearstains on his face. "Oh, it's just a new hobby of mine, walking around and crying, you should try it sometimes,  
they say it's very healthy." Yeah right. But to his great surprise Yoda just smiled sadly at him and wobbled further,  
his cane making soft tapping noises on the floor. If this had been a normal day, Obi-wan would have at least   
questioned master Yoda's behaviour, but since this wasn't a normal day his mind wandered back to his master.   
Should he open their bond to see what his master was feeling? Or should he just let it be. Curiosity got the best of him,  
he opened their bond and collided with one of the strongest shields he had ever witnessed. Whatever his master was feeling,  
he didn't want it to be exposed to Obi-wan. Maybe he was angry, the idea alone brought shivers up his spine.  
The last year Obi-wan had lived to make Qui-gon happy and proud, now he had blown the chance of ever gaining his trust again.  
That's probably why Qui-gon pulled up so strong shields, to not let him feel he was angry,   
hurt and most of all disappointed. No, this wasn't his fault, it was Qui-gon's, he should have helped me, comforted me,  
but not punish me. Obi-wan always thought that even after Melida/Daan their bond and relationship would survive.  
' Guess I was wrong'. Now he had done what Qui-gon expected him to do, he had walked away from him, betrayed him,  
he had left his side. He had thrown away all the months he tried to show Qui-gon that he wasn't Xanthos. 'No, this isn't my fault,  
this isn't my fault, not my fault, not my fault…  
  


His muscles ached from sitting in the same position for to long. He slowly pushed himself to his feet with help from the desk .  
He was drained from the emotional roller coaster ride he had been on. His tea long forgotten, he walked to the refresher   
to clean his face. After a quick glace in the mirror, his suspicions were confirmed, he was a wreck.  
He splashed some cold water on his face, hoping it would help him feel a little better, it didn't.   
Maybe he should go search his padawan. But did Obi-wan want to see him? He opened their bond, in the hope of picking  
some of the emotions the boy was feeling up. To his surprise Obi-wan had pulled up real strong and tight shields.  
He didn't know his padwan could do that, but what did he know about his padawan? 'No I have to stay strong,  
I don't want to break down again.' He gave himself his galaxy-wide (or maybe just council-wide) known stubborn look in the mirror.  
He would stay strong. Still, he had all of these emotions inside of him that needed to get out. So he did the same thing his padawan did. He took a sheet of paper out of his sketchbook, a pencil, and started writing.  
  


_Don't lose faith, don't let me go.  
I always thought you would stay, but now i fear the next tomorrow.  
I know I've hurt you, I know I've made you cry.  
I know i can't make it up to you, but please let me try.  
  
_

_Come back to me.  
  
_

_Don't expect me to give up on you, watch you walk away.  
I'll give you my heart, my soul, all that, if you would just stay.  
You saved a man from a bitter life, helped him to feel again.  
You wormed your way into my heart, turned me from a lost soul back into a man.  
  
_

_Come back to me.  
  
_

_Sorrow and guilt are trapped inside my heart.  
You used to be here, to heal something that was torn apart.  
Now i just want you back by my side .  
I know for certain this could work again if we would just try.  
  
_

_Come back to me, please come back to me.  
  
_


	3. Two lost souls

  
  
_I have to go back,_ Obi-wan suddenly realised. He would rather spend the night in the infirmary,  
but he knew he had to return to their quarters. He realised he had subconsciously slowed his pace, and quickened it.  
_Stay brave Obi-wan, you can do this._ He tried to open their bond one more time, but once again collided with   
his master's strong shields. Once he walked down the hallway that led to their quarters he panicked.  
_ What if Qui-gon doesn't want me as his padwan anymore? Maybe he should just walk away, free him from the burden he  
calls padwan. No Obi-wan, this isn't your fault remember? It's Qui-gon who ignored and hurt your feelings.  
You've made mistakes to, but you at least tried to make amends._ You know what, he was going to tell him that.  
How he felt he's never good enough, how he felt like a burden. Then Qui-gon would see that how he hurted him,   
how he always made him doubt about himself. Obi-wan couldn't deny that this was partly his fault,  
but it was also Qui-gon's, and Obi-wan was going to clear that up for him.  


He was at a loss of what to do, search after his heart-broken padwan, or stay here and wait until Obi-wan decided to return  
home. He had just finished his text, but didn't feel any better, he actually felt worse. He now realised what he had  
probably lost, and that it was his fault. The words he had written screamed of hurt, guilt and despair. He couldn't imagine  
his life without Obi-wan, the boy that used to look at him with so much hope and love in his stormy blue-green eyes.  
He had destroyed that look, he had replaced it with uncertainty and hurt. The worst part of it all was that he took such a  
long time to notice it. He was to blinded with the thought that Obi-wan was going to hurt and betray him like Xanthos,  
that he couldn't see he was putting Obi-wan trough so much pain. His problem was that he took Obi-wan for granted,  
expected him to put up with everything. He went back to the living area, and took a seat on the couch. He felt very tired,  
but knew that sleep wasn't going to come to him, not tonight. He remarked that he still had Obi-wan's notebook and the paper   
from his sketchbook in his hand. The little wooden table that stood next to him squeaked a bit when Qui-gon softly laid   
the two things on it. The sound of footsteps in the hallway startled him.  
  


Nervousness flowed around inside his body. All he had to do was push the freaking button. He was going to count to five,  
and then he was going to push. One._ I really hope Qui-gon isn't going to be to angry, I know it isn't a feeling for a jedi  
, but I don't think allot of masters could control themselves if their padwan would run away like that._ Two.   
_Maybe this was my fault, maybe I pushed myself to much on him. Expected to much of him, maybe I've him put under pressure  
when I wanted his trust, and wanted him to share his feelings._ Three. Sith, here I go again, putting all the blame on me,  
this isn't my fault. How many times more am I going to have to say this to myself? This isn't my fault. Four._  
Just tell him how you feel, he has to know it. Just tell the truth, and everything will work out._  
Five._I'll just push the freaking button._  
  


The door opened, and in walked the person that he had been pondering about for the last two hours. Obi-wan had tearstains  
on his face, and it hurt Qui-gon to know that he was the reason they where there. He tried to say something, but all that  
came out of his mouth was a hoarse sound that was supposed to be "hello". What did he expect after all the crying he had  
done just a while ago. He slowly got up from the couch and walked up to Obi-wan. He had no clue what he was going to do next.  
For the first time in his life he didn't know what to say, what to do or how to act.  
  


He wanted to run away, be anywhere but there. This was way harder then he thought. What was he going to say?   
Should he start a normal conversation or get right to the point. Right now he just tried to avoid eye contact with Qui-gon.  
He looked around in the room, 'till his eyes fell on something he didn't expect to find there.  
_Didn't I leave my notebook in my room?_ Realisation dawned upon him._ Oh sith, he read my text.  
  
_

_Two lost souls, in need of each other.  
Broken hearts, broken trust that needs to recover.  
Two people in hurt, two people in pain.  
We all need comfort and support, aren't we all just the same?  
  
_

_A tear slides, a tear falls.  
The two just have to listen to each others desperate calls.  
They are just to shy to share their feelings.  
They fit together like father and son, fate sings.  
  
_

_Two nervous people, tension hangs in the air.  
Their hearts crying out for one another, while they're both standing there.  
They both feel lonely, they both feel alone.  
They want to put a smile on each others face, and throw away that frown.  
  
_

_Two lost souls, in need of each other.  
Broken hearts, broken trust that needs to recover.  
Two people in hurt, two people in pain.  
We all need comfort and support, aren't we all just the same?_  
  



	4. Sunrise

How could he have been so stupid? Of course his master was going to sense he wasn't there, walk up to his room, and find  
his notebook. It wasn't like he put a 'don't read' warning on it. Sith, if this had been a different situation he would've  
slapped himself. The tension was so thick you could've cut with a knife; neither of them knew what to do, or what to say.  
Obi-wan's stomach was doing all the gymnastic moves you can think of, and that wasn't helping him very much. After looking a   
few minutes at the notebook he finally averted his eyes back to the cause of al the nervousness, his master.   
His midnight blue eyes were staring at him, begging him to say something. "Did you like my text?"  
  


Qui-gon was caught of guard, he was shocked. Of all the things he could say he had to say that? How the hell was he  
supposed to answer that? He wished someone would just appear in front of their door, so he could think at least a   
little bit more about his answer. But that wasn't going to happen, so he just had to be honest.  
He cleared his throat, and gave the best possible answer he could think of. "It was beautifully written,  
and it came right from your heart. But to answer your question, no, I didn't like it." He saw confusion  
written all over his padwan's face, but it was quickly hidden and soon his face was expressionless.  
  


What does he mean? Obi-wan didn't like where this was going. He was supposed to tell Qui-gon how he felt,  
not have a nice little chitchat about his text. "Did you know it was about you?" Yeah, he was going to tell him,  
he was going to put him in his place. "Do you even realise the pain and agony you've put me trough?"   
The hurt was probably written all over his face, and Qui-gon could probably see all of it. But he didn't care anymore.  
His heart was talking, no screaming, and he was going to let it until it was done. He saw his master was going to   
interrupt him, but with one quick wave of his hand he silenced him, he needed to get everything out.  
Just for once he wasn't going to bottle it up inside. "Do you know how you made me doubt about myself?   
Do you know that every time I needed someone to talk to me, or just hold me, to let me know they cared,  
you always turned your back on me? Do you know that at night I would cry myself to sleep   
'cause I felt alone and abandoned? Do you?" Tough the next thing his master said was just a   
three letter word, it managed to shock him. "Yes."  
  


It's amazing how one word can shock someone so much. Qui-gon saw that Obi-wan tried to say something, but miserly failed.  
"Oh padawan, I was so wrong, always thinking I was doing the right thing by being so hard on you, always presuming that you  
knew how much I cared about you." And again he saw his padwan shocked. Oh sith, he even doubted that I cared about him,  
if only he knew. I have to tell him this, how much he means to me._ Clearly he thinks that I don't need him, that I want him   
gone, that I don't love him._ "Obi-wan I can't begin to tell you how much you mean to me, how I appreciate your brilliant  
smile in the morning that make's me feel happy." This time it was his turn to let his heart talk, he was going to tell this  
boy how much he loved him. " I can't count the times I couldn't sleep, and went to your room to watch you,   
comforted by the fact that tomorrow was going to be another day with you by my side." He saw tears form in his padwan's eyes,  
but that didn't stop him. "Without you Obi-wan I would be lost, I am your master but that doesn't mean I haven't learned   
allot from you. You teached me how to love again padawan. You wormed your way into my heart, and made me love you so much.   
Don't ever doubt that again, I love you very much my padawan."  
  


Obi-wan felt tears roll down his cheek, but he didn't mind them. For the first time in his life his master had opened   
his heart to him. He saw his master was in tears also, and quickly wiped them away with his thumb. He had always dreamed  
of this moment to come, but now it did he didn't know what to say. No, he didn't need to say anything,  
he needed to do something. He let his shields down.  
  


Qui-gon had completely forgotten about the bond. He knew what he had to do now, and did the same as his padwan.  
As soon as he had lowered his shields he felt love and joy flow trough their bond. But that didn't work away the knot  
of guilt in his stomach. "How can you forgive me?"  
  


His master had asked a simple question, but it still made his heart ache. "Master, I already forgave you, it's the  
forgetting that's going to take some time. But we've got time, and I'm sure that together we'll make it. I love you master,  
and by that alone I know this will work out." Nothing could've prepared him for his mater's next action, he hugged him.  
At first Obi-wan stiffened a bit, but then he completely relaxed as he felt his master make soothing patterns with his  
large hands on his back.  
  


He didn't think when he hugged his padwan, he listened to his heart, and did what it was telling him to do.  
He felt Obi-wan relax in his arms, and hug him back. His hands that were much littler compared to Qui-gon,  
were rubbing up and down his back. _funny_, he thought, _I'm being the comforter and the comforted at the same time._  
He felt their bond strengthen, and knew that is was stronger then before.   
Qui-gon saw trough the window that the sun was rising, and felt that the knot in his stomach was gone.  
  


_Let's sit and watch the sunrise, together you and me.  
I've been so down, I've bee, so lost, that I've forgotten how wonderful life could be.  
But I know now we can make it, I know that we will get trough.  
Let's sit down and watch the sunrise, together me and you._  
  


_note_:After rereading this story, I've come to a conclusion: THIS STORY IS SO SAPPy!!!!...I really hope NOBODY from my family  
finds out i writed this, elseway i'll just find myself a big nice hole, crawl in it, and die...If you read this entire story,  
then you can proudly say that you are very brave and you get a nice big old hug from me *hug*...If you didn't like it,   
well then I really hope your a pacifist...if not *backs away slowly*...anyway, thank you very much for reading it!!!   



End file.
